Death. I have always been afraid of it. In fact, I've been searching for a blog to write about for months. I realized that I was in fact just avoiding this blog and this topic.
I used to tell my friends not to talk about death around me. I wouldn't even say the word. I disguised the word by calling it "The 'D' Word". Many of my relatives have passed on throughout my lifetime but none of it seemed to really sink in until this past January.
On January 9th, I received a spine tingling voicemail on my phone from my boyfriend, Andy, about the death of his brother. Never has it hit so hard as it did then. I had met Matt on multiple occasions before. We helped Andy roof his house that past summer. We had seen him just weeks earlier at Christmas dinner. He had been wrestling on the floor with Andy. And then the night before, he had called Andy to borrow his snowmobile helmet. I had heard his voice on the phone right next to me.
I've been trying hard to be the support that Andy needs. I was there at his side for all of the preparations and the funeral. It is hard to see someone that you love so much going through so much pain. Sometimes I wish I could rewind time. I wish I could do the impossible and bring Matt back to his brother and family. I wish I could have gotten to know him more.
My mind starts to wonder more lately. I've started to think hard about life. I believe in God and know that Matt is with him in heaven right now. Sometimes I just wish I could give Andy some sort of assurance that Matt is up there looking down right now. I want him to have one last conversation with his brother. I wish we could write letters to Matt and he could send them down to us from heaven. I feel like such a child for saying such strange things.
What will it be like up there for the rest of us? I start to become worried about everything. I worry about driving to work every day in traffic. Or those around me driving to work. You never know when it will happen and who will be taken from us next. I know that there will be more around me. We don't live forever and I've come to face what I fear the most. I want to spend time with those around me more and more. I want to cherish every living moment I have.
And yet...I'm still so scared. I think we all are.
Or most of us. I went back and researched the death of a high school friend who died of bone cancer. They had a quote in the paper about one of the final things that she said. She talked about how she was ready to go. She felt like she had led a good life and she was ready. How brave! I wish I could be half as brave as she was at the age of 20.
I am writing so that maybe I can put these fears aside and live the life I have. Cherish the moments you have. Love life as it is lived.